Shadow Work November, Day 5 (6)

[tarot_scholar]

I thought this prompt was going to be serious and difficult. I was fully expecting to cry over this one. Instead, I was just...puzzled.



I have always been inclined to see the positive side of the 9 of Wands (or Clubs, as in this deck). Its presence indicates struggle and even conflict, but also success. The figure in the Waite-Smith 9 of Wands may be exhausted and beaten up, but he's at least accomplished something.



And I do not believe for a second that I need to forgive myself for some faux flaw like "working too hard" or something, because what kind of "shadow work" would that be? So what are the negative, reversed, inversed meanings of this card? In other words, even though I drew it upright, how would I read it reversed? It's embarrassing that it took me basically an entire day to consider that angle.

What is the inverse of the 9 of Wands? What is the opposite of that meaning? Overwhelmed and exhausted but without success, failure, defeat, overrun.

In other words, a lot of the feelings I've been staring down in my personal/professional life. I'm in a situation right now where I feel like I've failed to meet all of the challenges set before me. Not only that, I don't have any energy left to try again or to face any new ones that may come my way.

That I should forgive myself for being so despondent and defeated is strange. Had I really been beating myself up that much about it?

Maybe not exactly, but I haven't been allowing myself to feel that way. Not really. I've had temporary bursts at my boyfriend or elsewhere on LJ, but within the paradigm of "let it out so it will go away, get over it so you can stop sitting around and feeling sorry for yourslf." Not the healthiest attitude towards one's own darker moments: "I'm getting real sick of this shit." How would my friends react if I said that to them while they were having an awful time? Never mind that it would never, ever in my life occur to me to say something like that to them. I treat myself worse than I treat my friends.

For that, I'm sorry.

Comments

[jenny_evergreen]

Warning: I am about to disagree with you. Please do not get mad at me!

It wasn't reversed, so I don't see any reason to read it that way. I am using the "learn tarot" site as my reference for the card, and I have a suggestion.

This bit:
defending yourself
assuming ill will
expecting the worst
taking extra precautions
being paranoid
feeling wary and guarded
protecting others
remembering past attacks

You are, in general, a defensive person. You get your back up relatively easily. You assume ill will quite easily. You are very guarded.
I think this is the thing you need to forgive yourself for. In order to forgive yourself for it, you would have to really examine it, understand why you are this way, which probably involves some pretty uncomfortable truths. You would have to face your insecurities and really learn to accept some things about yourself. Ultimately, one would hope, this would allow you to let this aspect of yourself relax and to become more open and forgiving; it is a journey (of months or years), not a moment, but one that is likely to lead you to an ultimately happier and more peaceful place.

[tarot-scholar.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't make this public if I weren't up for disagreement and discussion! Especially things like this—it is hard to see yourself.

It wasn't reversed, so I don't see any reason to read it that way.

It wasn't, but it wasn't reversed for any particularly good reason. Normally I read this deck with reversals, but at the moment need them all upright for a creative project. If a card accidentally gets reversed in a deck I don't read reversals in, I ignore it (consistency!); if a card isn't reversed in a deck where by all rights I would read reversals, I think considering the possibility of its reversed meaning is fair game, if for no other reason than to exhaust all interpretative possibilities.

That said none of that makes your larger point less relevant.

You are, in general, a defensive person. You get your back up relatively easily. You assume ill will quite easily. You are very guarded.

This is a true blind spot; I wouldn't have ever described myself as guarded in, well, maybe not a million years but a long time at least! Even though the whole opening salvo of my reply kind of proves your point. Maybe that's because "guarded" for me = "normalcy." All of those interpretations of the 9 of Wands you quoted are absolutely canonical and legit, so it probably says a lot about me that I see a card with that energy and think "well done, good show, that's how you know you've accomplished something." =S

In order to forgive yourself for it, you would have to really examine it, understand why you are this way, which probably involves some pretty uncomfortable truths.

Which is what this whole endeavor is about, at least in theory. Though considering everything else going on right now, the question is: is this a bad time for such an examination, or the perfect time?

I keep coming back to that 5 of Cups in the Hero's Journey spread on the first day. It keeps on connecting to things. Elsa and her Frozen anthem/earworm come to mind. (Pretty sure I don't have to embed it and that it autoplayed in your head as soon as you read "Elsa" ;).)

[jenny_evergreen]

*nodding* It's totally up to you to make the call on how to handle it. I might suggest a sort of "sit with it" approach; if it's a blind spot, the first thing you should do is start seeing it and examining how it manifests. That goes a long way towards reaching the Elsa anthem result. :)