Prosperity Mandala, Day 5
Apr. 23rd, 2019 11:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
tarot_scholarJust moving right along through the cards in order, we're now at how you'll be rewarded for your hard work and achievement. And, again, a card that I deliberately chose to represent that thing is its respective slot! Spooky!
I chose the Ace of Swords because I want the recognition of the thing inside me that I feel I lack.
Most days, I don't feel very smart. Some higher brain part of me knows that I have been hashtag blessed, not only with gifts (question mark?) but parents who gave a shit about me and who could afford to encourage me. Specifically what I seem to have is an aptitude for recall and pattern recognition. And who knows if that self-assessment is even accurate. Anyway, sometimes I'm smart!
But more often than not I don't feel very smart because I spend most of my days FEELING! ALL! THE THINGS! and I've had a lifetime of patriarchal nonsense about ~*~hysterical women~*~ ingrained into me, plus the great lie of the Enlightenment that Reason and Feeling are mutually incompatible things. It doesn't help, either, that my natal chart is FULL ON water, some fire and earth, and almost NO air whatsoever. I mean that less in a "therefore I'm helpless to ever ~*~be rational~*~" and more in a "the way that people describe things, they make it sound like ONLY air signs can be smart and that's real frustrating" sense. Obviously intelligence happens in all the elements and all of the signs, but why do we only talk about how clever air signs are? Or how empathic water signs are? I talk a lot about how the Queen of Swords is my favorite court card because she's everything I want to be (so smart! so confident!) and because she represents what I consider the ideal balance between "reason" and "emotion."
The Ace, then, is that pure gust of air, the authority to say, "Yes, this is right, and I know that this is right, because I know things." That there is a sound argument for my convictions beyond my instinctive reactions. The way it's rendered on this card, you can't see the arm the fist is attached to, and so it looks like an arm is emerging from the cloud and thrusting the sword in your face, rather than just a generic hand-holding-something in profile.
The laurels here also bring to mind the wreath in the Four of Clubs and the flower wreath in the Three of Cups. Recognition is part of all three of those.
What will it take for me to feel like I've earned that authority; like I've conquered Impostor Syndrome? What does the life of someone who's really "made it" look like, and how does it differ from mine? Are there steps I can take to shorten the distance between those two things? Is the distance even as much as I think it is?
That really is what this card represents for me and what was at the back of my mind when I picked it: I'd like to be free of that constant worry, that feeling like a fake. If I'm expecting someone to bestow it upon me, who am I expecting it from? Why do I expect it from them and not others? Is it wise of me to think so highly of them?
I chose the Ace of Swords because I want the recognition of the thing inside me that I feel I lack.
Most days, I don't feel very smart. Some higher brain part of me knows that I have been hashtag blessed, not only with gifts (question mark?) but parents who gave a shit about me and who could afford to encourage me. Specifically what I seem to have is an aptitude for recall and pattern recognition. And who knows if that self-assessment is even accurate. Anyway, sometimes I'm smart!
But more often than not I don't feel very smart because I spend most of my days FEELING! ALL! THE THINGS! and I've had a lifetime of patriarchal nonsense about ~*~hysterical women~*~ ingrained into me, plus the great lie of the Enlightenment that Reason and Feeling are mutually incompatible things. It doesn't help, either, that my natal chart is FULL ON water, some fire and earth, and almost NO air whatsoever. I mean that less in a "therefore I'm helpless to ever ~*~be rational~*~" and more in a "the way that people describe things, they make it sound like ONLY air signs can be smart and that's real frustrating" sense. Obviously intelligence happens in all the elements and all of the signs, but why do we only talk about how clever air signs are? Or how empathic water signs are? I talk a lot about how the Queen of Swords is my favorite court card because she's everything I want to be (so smart! so confident!) and because she represents what I consider the ideal balance between "reason" and "emotion."
The Ace, then, is that pure gust of air, the authority to say, "Yes, this is right, and I know that this is right, because I know things." That there is a sound argument for my convictions beyond my instinctive reactions. The way it's rendered on this card, you can't see the arm the fist is attached to, and so it looks like an arm is emerging from the cloud and thrusting the sword in your face, rather than just a generic hand-holding-something in profile.
The laurels here also bring to mind the wreath in the Four of Clubs and the flower wreath in the Three of Cups. Recognition is part of all three of those.
What will it take for me to feel like I've earned that authority; like I've conquered Impostor Syndrome? What does the life of someone who's really "made it" look like, and how does it differ from mine? Are there steps I can take to shorten the distance between those two things? Is the distance even as much as I think it is?
That really is what this card represents for me and what was at the back of my mind when I picked it: I'd like to be free of that constant worry, that feeling like a fake. If I'm expecting someone to bestow it upon me, who am I expecting it from? Why do I expect it from them and not others? Is it wise of me to think so highly of them?
